Lay Your Head Upon My Heart
by iamkellylouise
Summary: Even though their feelings for each other are strong, Alex knows Addison isn't ready for them to be together. AU 3x21. Bad summary! OneShot.


**A/N: You literally have no idea how many unfinished Addex fics I have and how many of them are so so close to being done, I start them and they can sit in the folder for months! Including this fic I have 56 Addex OneShots, some which I will never finish, some I'll attempt to turn into multi-chapters (and then never finish!) and some of which I will hopefully complete! I've split the folder in to 2 parts so I can concentrate on the fics I've had sitting in the folder for months on end! **

**Anyway, this is set in 3x21, I'm not sure how much I like this fic anymore but I hope someone out there enjoys it :)**

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><p><em>Lay Your Head Upon My Heart<em>

_~x~_

Addison lay next to Alex on the thin bottom bunk of the on-call room beds, her head against his chest, her arm slung over his body, one of his hands stroked her back softly, neither of them saying a word, Addison moved her hand up to where his heart was and placed her palm flat against it.

"You're scared" she said with a slight whisper.

"What?" he replied quietly.

"Your heart, the way it's beating, it's like, you're scared" she said softly "This, I, I messed this up didn't I"

"What?" he asked again.

"You, you didn't really want this" she said slowly untangling their bodies, sitting up with the sheets held closely to her chest "Oh god I messed it all up" she said burying her face in her knees as she pulled them up towards her body.

"Addison, what are you talking about?" Alex asked, his fingers tracing her spine "You haven't messed anything up"

"You're scared" she said looking back at him over her shoulder "You're scared and, you didn't want this, I messed this up"

"I'm scared" Alex said honestly "But I wanted this, I'm scared, because I want this so much, I don't want to lose it, I'm scared that, I'm going to be the one who messes this up, and hurts you, and honestly, I feel like getting dressed, running out of that door, and not looking back, but I won't"

"Why?" Addison asked warily.

"Because I'm trying this new leaf thing, where I get a grip, I stop being scared, and I don't run from the people I care about"

"You, you care about me?" Addison asked innocently, Alex slowly pulled her back to his chest, his lips coming to her hair.

"I care about you" he whispered softly "And I'm going to try, my hardest not to hurt you"

"I, I didn't mess this up?" Addison asked shakily.

"You didn't mess anything up" Alex said softly "Close your eyes, go to sleep, I'm right here"

"We have patients" Addison yawned.

"We have pagers" Alex replied "Now close your eyes"

"Alex, come home with me tonight"

"Absolutely" Alex smiled.

~x~

"Is something wrong?" Alex asked as himself and Addison walked into her hotel room that night.

"No, why?" Addison asked defensively.

"You've just been, a little quiet since we left the hospital, did, did something happen?"

"No I…." Addison sighed "Yeah, yeah something, happened"

"What is it?" he asked pulling her close to him, one of his hands rested on her hip, the other came to stroke her cheek softly "You can tell me Addison"

"I, I went to tell Mark that, the bet was, over and, he said that, he'd already broke it"

"Well that's not really a surprise is it?" Alex frowned.

"He was lying" Addison said simply "I've known him since med school, he was one of my best friends for, years, I've always known when he was lying, and he was lying I just, don't know why"

"Does it matter?" Alex asked.

"Of course it matters" Addison shot back, pulling away from his body and running a hand through her hair "Alex I care about him! He's my friend and he loves me and, I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have, I hurt him so badly, so badly, and I'm pretty sure he knows about you and me, that's why he lied, he did it to protect me, I know him, and you have no idea how much I hate myself right now!" she exclaimed.

"Addison, you shouldn't say things like that, don't hate yourself, you've done nothing wrong" Alex said reaching out to her "We've done nothing wrong"

"He thought we had a real chance" Addison said with a slight whisper "I let him believe we had a real chance, and now, now he's hurt, he's hurt and I don't care what you think of him, or what anyone else thinks of him, he has feelings, and it always seems to be me who tramples all over them"

"Do you still want to be with him?" Alex asked "Is that why, why you're getting so worked up over this? Do you, love him?"

"No you moron I love _you_!" Addison yelled, both of them froze on the spot, Addison took in a sharp breath before rushing into the bathroom and closing the door firmly behind her, she clicked the lock and slid down to the floor, her back against the door, her knees pulled close to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs, her head buried in her knees.

"Addison" Alex said softly through the door a minute later "Addison, please come out here" he waited for a reply but got nothing "I understand that you care about him, and I'm sure he knows that you didn't mean to upset him, and he will get past it because, I know all he wants is for you to be happy, just like, me, that's all I want, I want you to be happy, so please, come out here so we can talk about this" he sighed "Addie I, I love you too, I've loved you, for so long, and if you want to try this, really try this, then I'm right here, I'm here, so if you want to try, open the door and come out, and if you don't, then I'll leave, and I won't bother you again" Alex waited quietly for a few seconds, just as he was about to step back the door opened, Addison stood in front of him with tear stained cheeks.

"I'm sorry" she whispered "I'm sorry" she said stepping forward and wrapping her arms around him.

"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for" Alex said quietly "It's ok, I'm right here, we can do this Addie, all of it, and Sloan, he'll get over it, I know he will"

"I hope so" Addison sighed "Alex, I don't love him like that, I don't"

"I know" Alex said kissing her softly "I know you don't"

"I love, you" she said tentatively.

"I love you too" he smiled "So much"

"God I wish we could've realized all this sooner" she whispered as her forehead came to his chest.

"I know, me too" Alex said quietly "It's ok, it'll all be ok, and I'm here, no matter what happens I'm here, anyone tries to mess with us, I'll mess with them, ok?"

"Ok" Addison said with a slight laugh.

"How does a hot bubble bath sound?" he said stroking her hair.

"Perfect" Addison said pecking his lips "Are you sure you want to do this? With me? Because I'm pretty much the epitome of a mess right now"

"There's nobody else I want to do this with" Alex said softly.

~x~

Addison woke the next morning as her alarm rang out at her, she reached her arm out and smacked it off with a groan, she turned over and snuggled into the warm body next to her.

"Morning baby" Alex whispered against her hair.

"Morning" she mumbled.

"We should get up" he yawned.

"I know" she sighed "I hate this day already" she said rolling back over and burying her face in the pillow.

"Addie, it's going to be ok" he said stroking her hair slowly "I promise you it's going to be ok"

"You don't know that" she mumbled into the pillow.

"Addison if anyone says anything out of line, _anyone_, they'll have me to answer too, ok? I'm here for you, I'm here for, us, Addison I love you, that's not going to change"

"I aborted Mark's baby in New York" Addison said simply, Alex's hands froze in her hair, he slowly rolled her onto her back "The day we almost kissed, that would've been the due date, that's why he was rude to me, because, because I aborted his baby and, he's never forgiven me for it, I did it for all the right reasons, he knows that, I know that, he messed up too, he cheated on me, he did, but, I know that the only reason he did it was because, because he knew I still loved Derek, I broke his heart in New York, I broke it, I don't care what he did to me, I don't care about any of it, I hurt him, and this, me and you, god Alex I love you so much but, this is going to kill him"

"You're not ready for this" Alex said stroking her cheek "You're not ready for us"

"I didn't say that" Addison said quickly "Alex that wasn't what I was saying"

"I know" he said softly "But it's the truth, you're not ready, you, you need time, Addison you need time, so just, I'm going to go, I'm going to go and, we're going to, wait it out, just for a couple of weeks, we'll wait it out, and then we'll try again, you're not ready for this Addison"

"Get out" Addison whispered hoarsely, she stood up and threw on her robe "Get. Out." she said through gritted teeth, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"Addison, Addison don't be upset, please don't be upset" Alex said standing up and reaching out to touch her face, Addison flinched back "Addison please"

"Alex if you don't really love me you can just say, you don't have to make up some excuse" Addison sobbed "If you don't want me just tell me, or just, just get out, get out while you can, really, you'll probably be, much happier without me" she sobbed "Get out"

"Sshh Addie" Alex said pulling her close to his chest "Addison I love you, I love you, so much, please don't cry, please, I just want you to be ready, I don't, I don't want you to be with me and, constantly think about who it's going to hurt, and what people will think, I want you to be ready for us"

"I love you" she whimpered against his chest.

"I know, and I love you too" he whispered against her hair "But you're not ready"

"I don't, I don't want you to, to forget about me and, move on" she cried.

"It's only going to be for a couple of weeks" Alex said stroking her cheek "We'll still see each other, we can still, be friends, we just, we shouldn't be together just yet, it, it wouldn't be right"

"Fine" she breathed out "Fine, go, leave, but me and you being friends, never gonna happen, I don't want to see you anymore" she said shakily.

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

"Yeah, me too" Addison whispered back before walking into the bathroom and locking the door behind her, Alex slowly got dressed, waiting to see if Addison would come back out, when she didn't he moved to the door and rested his forehead against it "I'm not trying to hurt you" he said quietly "I don't want to let you down, I love you with all my heart Addison, I just want you to be ready, and I think, I think in time, you're going to realize that I'm, I'm right, and we can try this, I love you, I'll see you at work ok? Ok" he mumbled before taking a breath and leaving the hotel room, Addison sobbed even harder as she heard the door close behind him.

~x~

**1 week later.**

"Oh uh, hey" Addison stuttered as Alex approached her at the nurses station.

"Hey" he said with a small smile "I'm with you today"

"Oh um, ok, uh, all I really need you to do is check in on the NICU babies and make sure Ava's comfortable, I might have a c-section for you to scrub on later but it depends on the progression of the pregnancy" Addison said quietly.

"Ok" Alex nodded "So uh, how are you?"

"Fine" Addison replied simply.

"Addison" he started.

"I'm fine Alex" she said firmly "Now can you go and check the NICU, please"

"Ok, I'm going" Alex sighed "I'll see you later then?" Addison didn't reply so he simply left.

~x~

"So, things with you and Red still awkward?" Ava asked as Alex took her vitals.

"Yeah" he sighed "But, I guess I expected that"

"Alex I know you were trying to do the right thing but, I really think you just need to, be together, because if you leave it any longer, she's not going to even consider being with you"

"I know" he said quietly "I just wanted her to be ready so, so we could be happy together, I didn't want her to be constantly looking over her shoulder because of Sloan"

"She won't be" she replied softly "D'you need a hug?"

"You're a dork" Alex said sitting on the edge of the bed and accepting the hug.

"Dr Karev I…" Addison started as she walked into the room, Alex snapped away from Ava knowing exactly was about to run through her mind, as predicted Addison took one look at them and walked away.

"Dammit" he said before chasing after her "Addison" he called out "Addison wait, that's not, it wasn't what you're thinking, I know what you're thinking and it's not that ok? Addison stop" he said reaching for her arm.

"Leave me alone Alex" Addison shot back, speeding up a little.

"Addison" Alex said grabbing her wrist "Addison look at me"

"Let go" she whispered.

"No, you need to listen, that wasn't anything, that wasn't anything like what you're thinking so please just don't be mad at me"

"Mad at you?" Addison said incredously "Mad at you! I'm _furious_ with you Alex" she spat "You, you sleep with me and pretend you care and you tell me you love me and then you leave!" she exclaimed "You left me! You do not get to tell me I can't be mad at you, I don't even want to be anywhere near you, so just shut up, shut the hell up and leave me alone" she pulled her arm away from his firmly and stormed down the hallway.

"Addison" Alex called out, as she kept on walking he let out a heavy sigh and turned to kick the wall slightly with frustration, he turned around to see everyone staring at him "Oh go to hell" he grumbled before heading in the opposite direction to Addison.

~x~

"I thought I'd find you down here" Meredith said quietly as she jumped up onto the abandoned gurney where Alex sat in the tunnels.

"I'm not talking about it" he snapped.

"Ok" she nodded "We'll just sit here then" Alex stayed quiet and didn't look at her, after a couple of minutes of silence he finally spoke.

"I was just trying to protect her" he said quietly "She was getting so worked up about hurting Sloan and I just thought, I didn't think she was ready to be with me, so I told her we should wait, I was trying to protect her, I didn't want to rush her into anything, and she, now she hates me and, and I really messed this up, I was just trying to protect her" he said with a slight whisper.

"I know" Meredith said squeezing his hand "And I'm sure she knows that too, she's just, she just needs to calm down a little"

"It's been a week Mer"

"This is Addison we're talking about" Meredith said with a small smirk "When she's mad she stays mad, that's how you ended up on her service remember"

"Yeah" he said with a slight laugh "God Meredith I miss her so much" he breathed out "I know we weren't really anything yet but, but not even working with her, it's killing me, I'm on her service today and I've barely seen her, she's been avoiding me all day and now, now I don't even know where she is, and she probably doesn't want to see me ever again"

"Alex she loves you" Meredith said softly "If she didn't love you she wouldn't be reacting this way, she just needs a little time to calm down"

"Walking out of her hotel room was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and it's probably cost me the best thing that will ever happen to me"

"Then go and talk to her" Meredith said squeezing his hand tightly, Alex sighed and slipped off the gurney.

"Mer I, thanks"

"Just go" Meredith smirked.

~x~

"Addison" Mark said standing in the doorway of the research room where she sat obviously hiding "Can we talk?"

"Ok" she mumbled, he closed the door behind him and pulled up a chair next to her.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"I'm fine" she sighed.

"Addison" he sighed back.

"You don't want to talk about this Mark, you really don't" Addison said rubbing a hand over her face.

"I do" he said taking her other hand "Are you ok?" he asked again.

"It hurts" she whispered, not looking at him as tears started to fill her eyes.

"What does?" he asked.

"My heart, it, it hurts, it feels, it feels like it's really, really breaking this time" she sobbed "And it's all my fault"

"How is it your fault?" he asked, bringing his hand to her cheek and stroking it gently.

"Well I cared about you too much for one" she said kicking his shin lightly "And I shouldn't, I shouldn't have put myself out there, everytime I do I end up getting shot down so, so what's the point?"

"I can't believe I'm about to say this but, I think, I think he really does care about you, Karev, I think he really cares, he's been sulking all week" he said with a slight laugh.

"It doesn't matter anymore" she sniffled "If he really wanted to be with me then none of this would've happened"

"You know that's not true Addie" Mark said quietly.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore" she sighed "Just stop now, please"

"Ok" Mark said softly, squeezing her hand tightly.

~x~

Addison sat in her hotel room staring at the images flicking across the TV screen but taking nothing in, she sighed heavily when there was a knock at the door, she shut the TV off and stood up, opening the door slowly, as soon as she saw Alex she went to close the door, he put his hand out to stop it.

"5 minutes, please" he said softly, she sighed heavily and let him in, she closed the door and turned to face him, her arms crossed over her chest "Well…" she said expectantly.

"I know you're mad at me, and yeah, maybe you do have the right to be a little mad, but I wasn't trying to hurt you, you know that, you have to know that, I just wanted you to be ready for us, because Addison, I want to be with you forever, I want us to get married and have kids and, buy a house somewhere with a garden for them to play in and I _never_ thought I would want that, you make me want that even though I'm petrified I'll screw it up and, I, I didn't want you to be with me and then, then not be ready to really, be with me, you can keep ignoring me, you can keep avoiding me, you can run and hide and, never speak to me again, but I'll always be here waiting, because I love you, I love you with everything I have, and I will never, ever hurt you again"

"You want us to get married?" Addison asked shakily as tears fell down her cheeks.

"One day" Alex nodded.

"And you want, kids with me?"

"I never really thought I'd ever, have kids but, with you, I'd love nothing more"

Addison stared at him for a little while before stepping forward, placing her hands on his cheeks and kissing him softly.

"Addie" he whispered against her mouth "I love you"

"I love you too" she whispered back "I love you"

"I'm so sorry I upset you, I'm so sorry" Alex said holding her close.

"It's ok" she said burying her face in his neck "I, I know what you were trying to do, I know you were just, doing what you thought best, I just, I guess I'm a little, scared of being left again"

"I'm sorry, I should've, I should've thought" he mumbled against her hair "I'm so sorry baby"

"I know" she whispered "Please don't leave me"

"Never" he said kissing her gently.

"Can we go to bed now?" Addison asked quietly "I really need to just lie down with you"

"Sure we can" Alex said kissing her forehead gently "I'd like that"

Addison smiled at him and rested her head on his chest "I love you Alex"

"I love you too Addie" Alex said softly.

_The End._


End file.
